Understanding Grief and Bereavement
What grief really is, why it matters, and how we can support ourselves and others through it
Grief is one of the most universal of all human experiences. At some point in our lives, every one of us will know loss — and with it, the disorienting, exhausting, and deeply personal process we call grief. Yet despite its universality, grief remains widely misunderstood, frequently minimised, and too often endured in silence.
This article draws on the core content of our Understanding Grief course to offer a compassionate, informed, and practical overview of what grief is, what it can look like, the frameworks that help us make sense of it, and the ways in which we can support ourselves and those around us. Whether you are personally navigating loss or supporting others in a professional capacity, we hope this serves as both a guide and a reminder: grief is not something to be fixed or hurried. It is something to be witnessed, understood, and gently, carefully, held.
What Is Grief?
Grief is the natural, multidimensional response to loss. It is not solely an emotional experience — though it is profoundly that. It is also physical, cognitive, behavioural, and spiritual. Grief can change how we eat, sleep, think, move through the world, and relate to others. It can surface as sadness, anger, relief, numbness, guilt, anxiety, or an overwhelming sense of unreality. Often, it is all of these things at once, or in rapid and unpredictable succession.
It is important to understand that grief is not limited to the death of a person. Grief arises in response to any significant loss. This might include the end of a relationship, the loss of a job or career identity, a serious diagnosis, infertility, miscarriage, the loss of a home, or a profound change in life circumstances. Grief is the price of attachment — and that means it is also evidence of love, connection, and meaning.
The term bereavement refers specifically to the state of having experienced a loss, particularly through death, while mourning describes the outward, social, and cultural expression of grief. These terms are related but distinct, and understanding the difference matters — particularly for professionals — because grief is internal and individual, while mourning is shaped by context, culture, religion, and community.
The Many Faces of Grief: Understanding Different Types
One of the most important things we can appreciate about grief is that it does not follow a single pattern. There are many recognised types of grief, each with its own characteristics and challenges.
Normal or Common Grief
This is the grief that most people experience following a significant loss. It is painful, disruptive, and often exhausting, but it moves and shifts over time. People experience waves of intense sadness interspersed with periods of relative stability. Normal grief does not follow a fixed timeline, but it generally allows the person to continue functioning, to find moments of connection and even joy, and to gradually integrate the loss into their life.
Anticipatory Grief
Anticipatory grief occurs before a loss has taken place — for example, when a loved one has received a terminal diagnosis, or when a significant life change is known to be approaching. It carries all the emotional weight of grief, often alongside the additional burden of guilt ("Am I grieving someone who is still here?"). Anticipatory grief is entirely valid and can, in some cases, allow for important conversations and preparations that might otherwise not happen.
Complicated or Prolonged Grief
Sometimes referred to as prolonged grief disorder or complex bereavement, this occurs when grief becomes stuck — when the natural movement and integration of loss does not progress, and the person remains in acute, debilitating grief for an extended period. Complicated grief is associated with an inability to accept the reality of the loss, persistent longing, difficulty engaging with daily life, and a sense that the future holds no meaning or possibility. It is a recognised clinical condition that responds well to specialist therapeutic support (Shear et al., 2005).
Disenfranchised Grief
Disenfranchised grief is grief that is not openly acknowledged, publicly mourned, or socially supported — because the loss itself is not recognised or validated by others (Doka, 1989). This can occur when the relationship to the deceased is not considered significant by others (such as a close friendship, an ex-partner, or a colleague); when the type of loss is stigmatised (such as death by suicide, overdose, or during criminal activity); or when the bereaved person is not seen as capable of grief — for example, a child, a person with dementia, or someone with a learning disability.
Disenfranchised grief is one of the most isolating forms of bereavement. The absence of social permission to grieve openly can compound the loss significantly. For professionals, developing sensitivity to disenfranchised grief is essential — because the people most in need of support are often those least likely to receive it.
Cumulative Grief
Cumulative grief occurs when a person experiences multiple losses within a relatively short period of time, before they have had the opportunity to process each one. The losses may be layered and compounding, making it difficult to know where one grief ends and another begins. This is particularly common among older adults, those in caring professions, and people living through community trauma or social upheaval.
Traumatic Grief
When a loss occurs suddenly, violently, or in circumstances that are themselves traumatic — such as accident, homicide, suicide, or disaster — the grief response may be complicated by the additional symptoms of trauma, including intrusive thoughts, hypervigilance, avoidance, and flashbacks. Traumatic grief requires a carefully attuned approach, often incorporating trauma-informed support alongside bereavement care.
Collective Grief
Collective grief is experienced at a communal or societal level in response to shared loss — a major disaster, a national tragedy, the death of a public figure, or the losses associated with a global event such as a pandemic. While collective grief can create a sense of solidarity and shared mourning, it also risks eclipsing the individual grief experiences of those who are most directly affected.
Secondary Loss
Secondary losses are the losses that arise as a consequence of a primary loss. The death of a spouse, for example, may also mean the loss of financial security, social identity, shared routines, future plans, and daily companionship. Secondary losses are often invisible to others but can be profoundly significant for the bereaved person. Acknowledging them is an important part of holistic grief support.
Making Sense of Grief: Frameworks and Models
Over the decades, researchers, clinicians, and grief practitioners have developed a number of frameworks to help us understand how people move through loss. It is worth noting that no model is prescriptive — they are lenses for understanding, not maps that everyone will follow.
The Five Stages of Grief — Kübler-Ross (1969)
Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s model is perhaps the most widely known, identifying five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Originally developed through her work with terminally ill patients rather than the bereaved, it was later applied more broadly to loss.
It is crucial to understand that these stages were never intended to be linear or universal. People do not move through them in order, nor do they experience all of them. The model’s enduring value lies in its normalisation of the intense and varied emotional responses to loss — not in any suggestion of a fixed sequence. Misapplication of this model has, unfortunately, led many bereaved people to feel that their grief is "wrong" because it does not match the expected pattern.
The Tasks of Mourning — Worden (1982)
William Worden proposed a task-based model that reframes grief as an active process rather than a series of passive stages. His four tasks are: to accept the reality of the loss; to work through the pain of grief; to adjust to a world without the deceased; and to find an enduring connection with the deceased while embarking on a new life. This model is particularly empowering because it positions the bereaved person as an active participant in their own healing, rather than someone things simply happen to.
The Dual Process Model — Stroebe and Schut (1999)
The Dual Process Model describes how bereaved people oscillate between two orientations: loss-orientation (confronting the grief, processing the pain of the loss) and restoration-orientation (attending to life changes, taking time off from grief, rebuilding identity and daily life). Crucially, the model argues that this oscillation — moving between confronting grief and temporarily setting it aside — is not avoidance but a healthy and necessary part of adaptation. This model has been particularly influential in professional practice because it validates the times when a grieving person is not visibly in distress.
Continuing Bonds Theory — Klass, Silverman, and Nickman (1996)
In contrast to earlier models that framed "recovery" from grief as a process of detaching from the deceased and moving on, Continuing Bonds Theory proposes that maintaining an ongoing, evolving relationship with the person who has died is a natural and healthy aspect of grieving. This might take the form of speaking to a loved one, keeping meaningful objects, honouring anniversaries, or carrying their values forward in one’s own life. This model has been transformative for many bereaved people who felt that their ongoing connection to the deceased was a sign of failure to grieve “properly”.
The Growing Around Grief Model — Tonkin (1996)
Lois Tonkin’s model emerged from her own bereavement experience and directly challenged the idea that grief shrinks over time. Instead, she proposed that grief stays the same size — but that life grows around it. This resonates deeply with many bereaved people who find that their loss never diminishes, but that their capacity to carry it alongside a full and meaningful life gradually expands. It is a model of coexistence rather than resolution.
The Meaning Reconstruction Model — Neimeyer (2001)
Robert Neimeyer’s model places meaning-making at the heart of grief. Significant loss can shatter the assumptions we hold about the world — its safety, fairness, and predictability. Grief, in this framework, is partly the process of reconstructing a coherent and meaningful narrative of one’s life that incorporates the loss. This approach is particularly relevant in narrative therapies and coaching contexts, and has strong resonance with the work of clients navigating identity-level losses.
The Physical and Emotional Reality of Grief
Grief is held in the body as much as in the mind. Physical symptoms are a normal and frequently underacknowledged dimension of bereavement. These can include profound fatigue, disrupted sleep, changes in appetite, chest tightness, a weakened immune system, headaches, and a physical heaviness or sense of being weighed down. The phrase "broken heart" is not merely metaphorical — Takotsubo cardiomyopathy, a temporary weakening of the heart muscle triggered by extreme emotional stress, is a recognised medical phenomenon sometimes known as broken heart syndrome (Wittstein et al., 2005).
The emotional landscape of grief is similarly vast. Common experiences include:
• Sadness and longing: Often described as a yearning for the person, place, or life that has been lost.
• Anger: Which may be directed at the deceased, at oneself, at medical professionals, at God, or at the world in general. Anger is a normal grief response and does not require resolution or justification.
• Guilt: Particularly around things said or unsaid, done or undone. Survivor guilt is common after bereavement, as is guilt about moments of relief or happiness during grief.
• Anxiety: Grief can heighten awareness of the fragility of life, leading to increased anxiety about the safety of remaining loved ones or about one’s own mortality.
• Relief: Particularly after a long illness or a difficult relationship. Relief is a valid grief response and does not diminish the reality of the loss or the love that was present.
• Numbness and disbelief: Especially in the early days and weeks, the mind may struggle to absorb the reality of loss. This protective numbness is a normal part of the grief process.
• Guilt about not grieving: Some people feel alarmed when they find themselves laughing, experiencing joy, or going through periods of feeling ‘fine’. This is entirely normal. Grief is not a constant state.
Grief Across Cultures, Communities, and Faiths
How we grieve is profoundly shaped by culture, religion, community, and tradition. There is no single “correct” way to mourn — and professionals working in bereavement support must bring genuine cultural humility and curiosity to their practice.
Different faith traditions hold distinct beliefs about death, the afterlife, the purpose of mourning, and the appropriate expression of grief. In many traditions, communal mourning is central — grief is not a private matter but a collective one, held and witnessed by the wider community. In others, restraint and dignity are valued expressions of respect. In some cultures, wailing, keening, and physical expressions of grief are considered entirely appropriate and even necessary; in others, they may be viewed as deeply private.
Ritual plays a vital role in grief across almost all human cultures. Funerary rites, memorial gatherings, prayer, the preparation and sharing of food, the washing and dressing of the body, and specific mourning periods all serve important psychological functions — they mark the reality of the loss, provide structure during a period of profound disorientation, and create a held space in which grief can be expressed and witnessed.
In the Irish tradition, for example, the wake is a deeply important communal ritual — the body of the deceased remains at home, allowing family, friends, and neighbours to gather, share stories, pray, and sit with the loss together. It is also traditional in some communities for neighbours and friends to assist with digging the grave by hand — a profound act of community solidarity and a physical expression of collective mourning. Among Gypsy and Traveller communities, mourning traditions are deeply significant and may include large communal gatherings, the burning of the deceased’s possessions, and very specific practices around the body and burial that differ markedly from settled community norms. These traditions deserve the same respect and practical accommodation as any other.
For professionals, understanding that a client’s grief is expressed through a cultural or religious lens that differs from your own is not an obstacle — it is an invitation to listen more deeply and assume less. The most important question is always: what does this loss mean to this person, in the context of their own life, relationships, and beliefs?
Whose Grief Goes Unrecognised?
It is worth pausing to consider the groups whose grief has historically been least visible, least validated, and least supported.
• Children and young people: Children grieve differently from adults — their grief may be expressed through behaviour, play, physical complaints, or regression rather than through the language of sadness. It can be easy to assume that children are ‘coping’ or ‘bouncing back’ when in fact they are simply expressing grief in ways that are developmentally appropriate. Children need honest, age-appropriate information about death, permission to feel whatever they feel, and consistent, stable support from the adults around them.
• People with learning disabilities: People with learning disabilities are frequently excluded from funeral rituals, given incomplete information about death, and their grief is often minimised or overlooked. Research consistently shows that people with learning disabilities grieve deeply and benefit significantly from appropriate, accessible support (Blackman, 2008).
• People who have experienced pregnancy loss: Miscarriage, stillbirth, and termination for medical reasons are losses that are frequently invisible to the wider world. The brevity of the pregnancy is no measure of the depth of the loss or the love that was already present.
• Those bereaved by suicide: Suicide bereavement carries a unique and particularly heavy burden of stigma, guilt, unanswerable questions, and social awkwardness. Those bereaved by suicide often feel unable to speak openly about the cause of death, intensifying their isolation at an already devastating time.
• LGBTQ+ individuals: Grief within LGBTQ+ relationships has not always been legally or socially recognised, and some individuals may find themselves excluded from funeral arrangements or mourning processes by families who did not acknowledge their relationship.
• Pet loss: The death of a beloved animal companion can be a devastating loss. The dismissal of this grief by others (‘it’s just a dog’) is a form of disenfranchisement that can be deeply isolating. For many people, their pet represented daily companionship, unconditional love, and a primary source of emotional support.
Supporting Yourself Through Grief
If you are personally navigating grief, the most important thing we can offer is this: there is no right way to grieve. Your grief is valid, whatever form it takes and however long it lasts. What follows are some approaches that many people find helpful — not as prescriptions, but as possibilities.
Allow the Grief
Grief that is suppressed or bypassed does not disappear — it finds another way out, often through physical symptoms, emotional numbness, or sudden and seemingly disproportionate reactions. As difficult as it is, allowing yourself to feel the grief — to cry, to rage, to sit with the emptiness — is part of how the body and mind process loss. You do not have to be strong all the time.
Tend to Your Body
Grief is physically demanding. The body is under sustained stress, and it needs care. Try to maintain basic routines around eating, hydration, movement, and sleep, even when these feel effortful. Gentle exercise — particularly walking outdoors — can provide a meaningful sense of movement and continuity when everything else feels still. Be patient with yourself if your body is not performing as it normally would.
Reach Outwards
Grief can be profoundly isolating, partly because others often do not know what to say and may inadvertently withdraw at precisely the moment you most need support. If possible, tell the people closest to you what you need — whether that is company, practical help, someone to listen without offering solutions, or simply the reassurance that they are there. You do not have to carry this alone.
Mark the Loss
Ritual matters. Whether or not a formal religious or cultural framework feels meaningful to you, finding your own way to mark and acknowledge the loss can be an important part of grief. This might be as simple as lighting a candle, writing a letter, visiting a meaningful place, planting something, or creating a small ritual around anniversaries and significant dates.
Be Honest with Yourself About When You Need More Support
There is no shame in needing professional support with grief. If you find that grief is significantly impairing your daily functioning over a sustained period, that you are using alcohol or other substances to cope, that you are experiencing thoughts of self-harm, or that the intensity of your grief is not shifting at all over time, please do speak with your GP or seek the support of a grief counsellor or therapist. Asking for help is not weakness; it is wisdom.
Supporting Others Through Grief: A Guide for Professionals and Loved Ones
Whether you are a coach, counsellor, teacher, healthcare professional, or simply someone who loves a grieving person, knowing how to offer meaningful support is one of the most valuable things you can develop. Here are some core principles.
Presence Over Solutions
The most common mistake made when supporting a grieving person is the urge to fix, to cheer up, or to offer silver linings. Grief does not need to be fixed. What it needs is to be witnessed. Simply being present — sitting alongside someone in their pain without rushing to resolve it — is more valuable than almost anything you can say.
Listen More Than You Speak
Ask open questions and then genuinely listen to the answers. What was the person like? What do you miss most? What has been the hardest part? Inviting the grieving person to speak about their loss — and about the person, relationship, or life they have lost — is a profound gift. Many bereaved people feel that others are uncomfortable with their grief and actively steer conversations away from it; being someone who can sit with it is rare and deeply meaningful.
Avoid Unhelpful Phrases
With the very best of intentions, well-meaning people often say things that inadvertently invalidate grief. Common examples include:
• “They are in a better place now.”
• “At least they had a good long life.”
• “You need to stay strong for the children.”
• “They would not want you to be sad.”
• “I know exactly how you feel.”
• “You will feel better soon.”
These phrases, however kindly meant, can leave the bereaved person feeling that their grief is being minimised or that they are being steered away from it. Instead, simpler and more honest responses are often more helpful: “I am so sorry. I love you. I am here.”
Continue Showing Up
Support in the immediate aftermath of a death is usually plentiful. People bring food, send flowers, attend the funeral. But grief does not end at the funeral. In many ways, the weeks and months that follow — when the immediate support has faded and the world has moved on — are the hardest. Continuing to check in, to remember anniversaries, to say the name of the person who has died, can make an immeasurable difference.
For Professionals: Know Your Scope
If you are working with grieving clients in a coaching or professional development context, it is important to hold a clear awareness of the boundaries of your role and training. Grief support that moves into clinical territory — complicated grief, trauma, suicidality, or severe mental health impacts — requires specialist clinical expertise. Knowing when and how to refer on appropriately is an essential professional competency, and there is no loss of value in saying: this is beyond my scope, and you deserve specialist support.
The Importance of Language in Grief
The words we use around death and grief matter more than we might realise. In professional and personal settings alike, our language signals whether we are truly present to the reality of loss or whether we are unconsciously maintaining a comfortable distance from it.
Euphemisms — "passed away", "gone to sleep", "no longer with us" — are culturally common, but they can sometimes obscure rather than acknowledge the reality of death. For some bereaved people, hearing the word “died” is important: it confirms that their loss is real and that the person they are speaking with is not afraid of it.
For children in particular, the use of euphemisms can create genuine confusion and anxiety. Telling a child that someone has “gone to sleep” can lead to fears around sleep itself. Honest, simple, age-appropriate language — “They died, which means their body stopped working” — is generally more helpful and more kind than a euphemism, however gentle the intention.
Language around grief also matters in professional documentation, in course materials, and in marketing. The tone we bring to this work signals whether we see grief as a problem to be managed or as a profound human experience deserving of care, depth, and genuine respect.
A Final Word
Grief is not an illness to be cured, a problem to be solved, or a weakness to be overcome. It is the natural consequence of loving — and it deserves to be treated with the same depth of care and respect as the love that preceded it.
Whether you are reading this in the midst of your own loss, or seeking to support someone you care about, or developing your professional practice in this field, we hope this article has offered something useful. You do not have to have all the answers. You do not have to say the perfect thing. Often, the most healing gift we can offer another person is simply to stay — to not look away, to not change the subject, and to say without flinching: I see you, I am here, and what you are carrying matters.
Your journey. Your way. Always.
References
Blackman, N. (2008). The development of an assessment tool for the bereavement needs of people with learning disabilities. British Journal of Learning Disabilities, 36(3), 165–170.
Doka, K. J. (1989). Disenfranchised grief: Recognising hidden sorrow. Lexington Books.
Klass, D., Silverman, P. R., & Nickman, S. L. (1996). Continuing bonds: New understandings of grief. Taylor & Francis.
Kübler-Ross, E. (1969). On death and dying. Macmillan.
Neimeyer, R. A. (2001). Meaning reconstruction and the experience of loss. American Psychological Association.
Shear, K., Frank, E., Houck, P. R., & Reynolds, C. F. (2005). Treatment of complicated grief: A randomised controlled trial. JAMA, 293(21), 2601–2608.
Stroebe, M., & Schut, H. (1999). The dual process model of coping with bereavement: Rationale and description. Death Studies, 23(3), 197–224.
Tonkin, L. (1996). Growing around grief — another way of looking at grief and recovery. Bereavement Care, 15(1), 10.
Wittstein, I. S., Thiemann, D. R., Lima, J. A. C., et al. (2005). Neurohumoral features of myocardial stunning due to sudden emotional stress. New England Journal of Medicine, 352(6), 539–548.
Worden, J. W. (1982). Grief counselling and grief therapy: A handbook for the mental health practitioner. Springer.